How Jalopnik is Your Car?

ForcedInduction

06-12-2009, 04:17 AM #1

http://jalopnik.com/5287073/how-jalopnik-is-your-car

The rules are simple: add up the points in each category and compare your score to the Jalopnik rubric at the end of the test. Pencils up. Turn to the first page. You may begin.

1: Engine
4-Cylinder : 0 points
3-Cylinder: 1 point.
2-Cylinder: 50 points. We heart Trabants
1-Cylinder: 100 points. May your Fuldamobil live long and prosper.
5-Cylinder: 2 points. What, you think an Acura Vigor deserves more? Special dispensation: if you drive a 5-banger Jetta, -5 points.
6-Cylinder (V6): 3 points.
6-Cylinder (straight): 10 points. Datsun Z, Jeep Cherokee, 3-Series, Dodge Dart? Hell yeah!
8-Cylinder (V8): 15 points.
8-Cylinder (straight): 20 points.
10-Cylinder: 25 points. And if you drive a Bristol Fighter, give yourself an extra 50 points.
12-Cylinder (V12): 30 points.
12-Cylinder (Flat): 50 points. Especially if you drive a 917.
16-Cylinder: 100 points.
Rotary: 23 points.
Turbine: 1 million points.
Hybrid: Divide your current point total by 1.4.
Electric: Give 2 points to the guy sitting next you.

1.b: More engine
longitudinally mounted: 25 points.
Latitudinally mounted: -10 points.
Boxer layout: 10 points.
Slant: 20 points.
Flathead: 25 points.
Throttle bodies: Add 5 points per throttle body.
Carburetor: Add 10 points for each carb.
Air Cooled: 25 points.
Diesel (domestic): 20 points.
Diesel (Euro-trash): -20 points.

2: Aspiration

Normally aspirated: 0 points.
Turbocharged: 15 points
Supercharged: 15 points
Twin-Turbo (dual): 20 points
Twin-Turbo (sequential): 30 points
Quad-Turbo: 50 points
Dualcharged (super and turbo): 100 points.

3: Body Style

4-doors: 0 points. Unless you have an E39 M5 - that's 20 points for stealth.
5-doors: 5 points. Despite what Lutz says, we love wagons. Special dispensation: If any of those 5 doors are of the sliding variety, -10 points.
3-doors: 10 points. Viva la shooting brake!
2-doors: 25 points. Screw practicality.
2-doors (gullwing and/or scissors): 35 points.
0-doors: 50 points.
Doors, however many, but they're welded shut: 100 points.
Caminoized: 101 points.
Convertible: 15 points.
Hardtop Convertible: -10 points.
4-Door Hardtop Convertible: +50 points
Suicide Doors: 50 points.

3.b: Body Style - Trucks and SUVs

Body on Frame: 10 points.
Unit Body: -20 points.
Flatbed: 20 points
Dually: 50 points.
Minivan: -300 points.
Panel van: 30 points.
Custom Van: 50 points.

4: Wheels Driven

Front-wheel drive: 0 points
All-wheel drive: 10 points.
4-wheel drive: 15 points. This means you have low gears and you use them. If you have never moved your transfer case, -50 points.
Rear-wheel drive: 25 points. Lets face facts. Rear-wheel drive is the best. Special dispensation: if you own a RWD SUV, -55 points. FWD SUV: -105 points.

5: Engine Location

Front: 0 points
Mid: 10 points
Rear: 20 points
Two engines: 100 points.

6: Transmission

Automatic: 0 points. Special dispensation: Column shift? 10 points. Unless its that weird new BMW/MB column shifter - that gets you -30 points.
Manual: 20 points. And good for you.
Manual on the tree: 60 points.
CVT: -20 points. You really don't get this whole driving thing, do you?
Crashbox: 30 points
Paddle shifters: 5 points. Unless you have a Ferrari/Maserati-style setup where the paddles are stock-mounted, that'll net you 30 points.

7: Country of Origin

Korea: 0 points
Japan: 1 point. Deduct -10 points if you drive a 4-banger slushbox Camry. Yeah, you.
'Merica: 5 points. Unless your domestic car was made in Korea - that's -5 points.
Germany: 10 points. Unless you drive a Jetta, then -10 points. New Bug? -100 points.
Sweden: 15 points.
Britain: 20 Points. You brave man.
Italy: 25 points. You brave fucker.
Eastern Bloc: 30 points.
India 40 points.
France: 50 points.
Land of the Raging Hoon (Australia): 75 points.
Mixed origin: 100 points. As in your French SM has an Italian engine. Or if your Cobra has a British chassis and a 'Merican engine that was built in Canada. -90 points if your R-Class was built in Tennessee.
Other (Canada, Israel, Norhtern Ireland): 13 points. And you're lucky to be getting them.

8: POWA!

0-50 hp: 25 points. You're very brave.
51-100 hp: 5 points. You're very poor.
101-160 hp: 0 points. Unless you drive a Se7en or a Miata - that's +20 points.
161- 270 hp: 5 points. Not too shabby.
271-380 hp: 10 points. We like where you're going.
381 - 450 hp: 25 points. Awesome. The power sweet spot. Not too hot, not too cold.
451 - 600 hp: 2 points. You're rich. Big deal.
601 - 750 hp: 30 points. You might be rich, but we love your taste in cars.
751 - 1000 hp: 50 points seems about right.
1001+ hp: 100 points. Special dispensation: if you drive a Vector, 1,000,000,000 points!!!

9: Age

2010 model: 10 points. Congratulations.
4 years or younger: 5 points.
5 - 10 years: 0 points.
11 - 20 years: 10 points. You can wrench.
21 - 30 years: 20 points. You can really wrench.
31 - 40 years: 30 points. Can we have a ride? Pretty please?
41 - 50 years: 40 points. The golden age of rad. Sigh...
50 - 60 years: 50 points. Especially if you have Gullwings.
Pre-WWII: 100 points. And we tip our collective cap at you.

10: Other

Cupholders: -5 points for every cupholder.
Ashtrays: 5 points for every ashtray. Special dispensation: if your car has more than 5 ashtrays, you get 50 bonus points on top of the 5 points for each ashtray.
Bondo: 10 points for every unpainted patch.
NO FEAR sticker: -1,000 points.
Truck Nutz: -100 points. Unless you live in Virginia. Then 500 points.
All-digital dashboard: 25 points. We're looking at you Lagonda.
Working all-digital dashboard: 30 points. We're probably not looking at you Lagonda.
Hydropneumatic suspension: 50 points
Waterbed: 6.9 points.

Point Key:

0 Points: Try public transit.
1-5 Points: Edmunds is that way.
6-15 Points: Hey, at least you know what a car is.
16-30 points: That's a cool car you got there. Time to Sawzall the back off.
31-45 points: It's no Hoondai Sonata, but it's pretty good.
46-75 points: You like driving. You even like driving a lot. But why all the compromises, man?
76-100 points: 'Vettes get 'em wet, dude. As do turbo-diesel Peugeot wagons.
101-150 points: Is that an E39 M5 in your pocket? Or do you have an erection?
151-200 points Fantasy Garage
201-250 points: Bitchin' Camino
251+ points: You love cars. Secret cars, concept cars, flying cars, vintage cars, tricked-out cars, red cars, black cars, blonde cars - sometimes, cars just because of the curve of a hood.